I Don't Know What To Do!!

This is going to be long so I'd grab a cuppa before you start!

I am in a bit of a pickle trying to decide what to do but I just keep going around in circles and not getting anywhere with it!


Most of you will know that Missi isn't the easiest horse in the world BUT when I was out and about doing lots with her we had a great time and on the whole she was really very good. Slightly quirky maybe but nothing that really caused any problems. She was everything I wanted from a horse!

Now, since moving her back home almost two years ago things have not been going so well. The first Summer she was at home we didn't do much as she lost a lot of muscle (through just hacking) and ended up having weeks of rehab type work to build her up. I got her going again but before long Winter arrived and it quickly became clear that I just couldn't manage her through Winter (I had more hours at work so much less time during the day to work her!). I ended up giving her the Winter off and I must admit that during this time I did consider selling her as I had had my confidence knocked a bit and I just couldn't imagine bringing her back into work after so long off.

Anyway, on the whole I needn't have worried. We had a few hair raising rides but on the whole she came back into work fairly easily and I began the task of building her back up fitness wise. I definitely started to enjoy riding her a little bit more and although we were only hacking still things were a bit easier with the lighter evenings etc and all thoughts of selling had evaporated. While she was never particularly forward going she wasn't hugely nappy and we manage most rides OK. I was feeling quite confident for the Winter ahead and made plans to hire a school once a week to help me keep her working and to give her a change of scenery. I even entered us into a dressage comp for the first time in over a year just to get us back out there again!

The change in season soon started making life more difficult though and even though she didn't do a huge amount wrong my confidence started to disappear again. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't scare to get on her or anything but I certainly got no enjoyment from riding her and backed off at times when I really needed to give her a good boot! I rode because I had to and not because I wanted too. We did make a couple of visits to the school, the first being pretty good but the second being a disaster. She didn't REALLY do anything wrong but there was just no forwardness from her at all and I was nearly sick from the effort I had to put in. Trot was ridiculously hard work and canter was near on impossible. I withdrew from the dressage after that and was at a complete loss as to what to do.

I spoke to the yard owners of the school place at length about her and did mention selling her again. Everything had become such an effort that I just got no enjoyment from it anymore. We arranged for one of them to ride her the following week which was a really interesting session. She was quite stuffy initially but once the rider got after her a bit she started going forward more and once the poles/jumps came out she was in her element and absolutely loving it! What shocked me the most though was how weak she looked behind as soon as the rider had got on. I hadn't noticed it on the ground but seeing someone else on her I could really see how much muscle she had lost.

There Verdict was that I need to be a bit tougher with her and that generally she was a nice talented horse. They gave her a thorough going over and really couldn't find much fault other than the lack of top line.

I got the chiro/physio back after that and she was quite shocked by how much top line she had lost and a bit concerned by how she was moving. She had treated her the year before through the rehab work and was surprised by the fact that she was much worse now then she was then. After one treatment she was moving much better and chiro very kindly came to watch me lunge her at the school so that she could really assess her movement. She was pleasantly surprised by how well she did move; big powerful strides, no wonkyness and pretty willing. She did think she held back slightly in that she thought there was more in the tank so to speak but over all she was pretty impressed; if not slightly baffled by her lack of top line given that she had spent a Summer hacking! (Something which is supposed to really help!).

Through all of that I was once again thinking about what I was going to do with her. I had decided that the lack of facilities and my increase in hours just did not suit her mentally and clearly physically it did not suit her either! Chiro suggested doing just inhand work to build her back up and take the pressure of me riding wise. During this time I also had the vet out to run some bloods and give her a general going over. I had thought that I would get a full work up done but vet and chiro both felt that it was unnecessary. Bloods came back clear so no issues there.

I have pretty much decided that the problem is keeping her here at home. Every time she has been here things don't go well. The hacking is dull and boring with not many routes to do. Neither of us particularly enjoy it but we do it because we have too. I obviously still have the lorry for now but my wobbly confidence doesn't help with getting out and about and tbh, I don't have the funds to do as much as I used to with her.
I really feel that she needs more then she gets here. She needs variety, jumping, canter work, schooling etc with maybe only one or two hacks a week. That's how I used to keep her and that's what worked. But I just can't do it here.

Anyway, the crux of it is, I don't know what to do. I keep making a decision and then changing it. Making a decision and then being swayed by something else and changing my mind again. I am going round and round in circles and really not getting anywhere! My head says one thing and my heart says another.

I went on holiday planning to put her on sales livery when I got back but I just can't bring myself to do it. In so many ways she is so easy to do and she has bags of talent. I really don't think I will ever have anything as nice as her again but that isn't reason enough to keep her. She is too nice not to do something with but equally I just can't see her future here with me.


In short the problems are -

Lack of time - Will be much easier in Summer plus hours have been reduced again so should have a bit more time
Lack of funds - I really struggle each month financially so moving to another yard or getting out for lessons/comps (regularly) is not going to happen
Lack of confidence - It's very fragile! Will come back quite quickly to a degree BUT does go again at the tiniest little thing!
Lack of facilities - The field isn't suitable for riding and the lanes are boooooring!

The stupid thing is. She has actually not done much wrong at all for a long time. I just find riding her such hard work and I guess I can't quite relax with her like I used to.


I have come up with a few possible solutions (some only in the last 24 hours) -

1. Change jobs - less hours/more pay (possibly nannying again!). I'm not completely against this as things are not great at work but I don't want to rush into anything and really I'm not sure my decision to change jobs should be based on a horse!

2. Try and hire lorry out again - I won't be using it at weekends and it would bring me some money in which would give me more options. (TBH I need to do this anyway as I may as well sell it!)

3. Look for a sharer for her - Not sure why I didn't think of this sooner!! Not sure I'd find anyone suitable but it might help to get her out and about more and even just a small fee might enable me to move her elsewhere.

4. Move her to field with a friend - There is literally nothing there but the hacking is slightly better and another friend has got a school opposite so I might be able to use that a bit. She'd also be living out so may be a bit happier mentally.

5. Move her to a DIY yard with school - Could only do this if finances changed for the better but would probably need a sharer as I wouldn't be able to manage her elsewhere with the other two at home on my own!

6. Admit defeat and sell her to someone who she'll have fun with again!

I guess ultimately if she stays I need to build my confidence, start making things more fun for both of us, add variety and start enjoying it all again.

At the moment I am just tormenting myself over what to do. It has been on my mind for months now and I just can't come up with an answer!

If you made it to the end, well done!! If it made any sense, you did well!

I really am open to ideas and suggestions as maybe I'm missing the obvious and not being realistic/too negative (I've been told I'm too negative about her a lot recently :numbness: )


PS. Just as a side note. If I do sell her I will not be getting another one.

Not reading and running. Want to give it a mull over lass.

I guess the question is, given that you say you wouldn't buy another, do you want to ride and compete this year? Is Charlie enough for you?

Actually, more questions... Would you be happy having a sharer or loaner for her? Given that you're not happy in your job do you need to concentrate on jobs?

Sorry, not making a great deal of sense. Stinky cold is burning head and thought process not at its best.

I do want to ride but I don't want to have to ride if that makes sense. I would like to compete but my diary is already jam packed do there are only going to be a few opportunities. There are two dressage comps I'd like to do with Charlie so far and also a fun ride or two. Unless Missi is in full time, fairly hard work I wouldn't feel confident enough to compete her - Charlie is quite easy as as long as he's fit enough it doesn't matter how much work he gets in the run up to an outing. I wouldn't be able to jump Charlie much but I could cope with that.

My worry with just having Charlie is that I'll ask too much of him and he'll break.

Would be happy having a sharer as it would take the pressure off and give me someone to ride with BUT I don't know how easy it would be to find one!

Don't want to make any rash decisions about job but it is something I need to consider soon.

Should have added that I would be happy for sharer to compete her assuming they could get her there themselves (happy for them to use my lorry if they had the right licence.)

What about considering a full loan, ie stabled elsewhere, to give you chance to catch up with yourself? I know such things come with their own issues, but might be worth putting the feelers out.

I know what you mean about not having to ride. Life takes us in different directions and what we used to spend all our spare time doing no longer has, for whatever reason, the same pull.

As for the lorry - an expensive beast if not used much. What about swapping for a 3.5tonne or a trailer, if you have access to a tow vehicle?

I always think selling is quite a final decision and one if it were me I'd leave till the last resort almost? I'd be tempted to find a sharer (full or part) even if there is no financial assitance it might just let you enjoy your horse a bit more? Once she is in full work and more settled would you then be able to pick up/put down a little more if you needed to? I know Red is murderous to bring back into work and can be a loony around spring with the grass but he settles quickly again and once ovr that I can leave him a few weeks without thinking I have to lunge for 20 mins before I get on.

There are elements in your post where you just sound like you can't be bothered with her too? I've found few horses that won't just do what you want all the time, that you don't have to sometimes kick a bit cos you have to (even perfick alfie) and maybe Charlie shows her up a bit as you've gone through all that with him and he's a different character to missi moo? Again if thats the case a full loan might give you the break to see things a bit clearer?

Just picking up on something LF said - it seems, and please don't take this the wrong way, that Missi is just too hard work and not too much fun? Fine if one has balls of steel and the ability to work her six out of seven days, but your life doesn't allow for such a level of work these days.

Horses are an expensive and time consuming occupation (it's so much more than a hobby), so it should, on the whole, be fun. To that end, when Murph and Titch are backed, if they're not what we want and need, then they'll go out on full loan or sold. Life is too short.

My first thought is your confidence is holding you back, but you are maybe- and I mean this in the nicest possible way- using other things as an excuse to not ride missi.
i do think having read and re-read your post that you would be happier, and feel less guilty in the long run, if you sold her. Or loaned her, possibly but bear in mind if loan goes wrong you get her back.or, indeed, if ends up injured or unsuitable in any way.
its not wrong or an admission of it to admit your wants and desires have changed, either, which it sounds like it has. We all move on in life.
The only thing that stands out,otherwise, is that if Charlie is not able to stand up to what you would like to do, you may end up with a field ornament who can't be ridden and then without the chance to ride. But, I'm not even sure if you would want to, if Charlie can't be used?
equally, there are plenty of horses out there who would fill the gap without any complications if you did want another in the future.
horses are expensive and hard work if they are not either earning their keep with riding, or you get pleasure from them on the ground, as not everyone does want to ride.
What mrs m said, really. Lf too.

I'm not sure swapping to a 3.5t would save much money tbh MrsM but it's worth looking into.

Lef is she is in full work she's not to bad at having days off; I can keep her going quite nicely on 3/4 days if I'm pushed - but with that comes the slight difficulty in that if she'd had days off I wouldn't feel able to take her off to do stuff, I'd want to hack her for a couple of days first. That is partly probably my problem now though, and not hers as such.

I know I sound negative and like I can't be bothered and in someways I can't. I just get no pleasure from getting on her and battling to get her to go forward properly. Don't get me wrong, there are good days but more often then not she is backwards thinking - not nappy, but just not going forward with any enthusiasm. That day in the school where I just couldn't get anything from her was utterly ridiculous; I don't mind having to use my leg but she had completely switched off and I was exhausted after 10 mins of trying to get a half decent trot.

SA I do think confidence has become a bit of an issue. She has always lacked forwardness but I used to get after her and she would improve. Now I back off so she becomes worse. I used to give her a good boot/smack but I just worry that's going to cause a big tantrum so I guess in a way I'm letting her get away with it! Having the other rider ride her for that session really showed that! And that's the stupid thing. The lack of confidence comes down to coming off nearly two years ago where she nearly came over on me. She has only reared like that 3 times in the time I've had her and even though I can now look back and see a reason for it, it still scares the crap out of me. I hate rearing with a passion and every time she has done it it came from nowhere with no warning at all.

In reality, she really isn't THAT bad at all to ride, she barely did anything wrong last year other than being a lazy ploddy thing which makes me more annoyed at myself. The problem is the lack of variety and fun due to lack of facilities and confidence. I'm just not sure if I can come back from where I am and start to enjoy her again.

The share option is looking quite tempting at the moment but I will be very lucky to find someone suitable.

When I was riding the other day I asked myself would I regret selling her if shortly after Charlie had to be retired? The answer was yes.

Question: If Charlie had to be retired and you had a choice of Missi or a horse that you could get on and go and have some fun with, which would be your preference?

I ask only because Missi is, to all intents and purposes, blinking hard work with little in the way of pure joy and benefit to you.

With regards to your confidence and the fear after she went up, that is perfectly understandable. Many (many!) people would never have got on her again. I have a fear of rearing after losing a friend to a horse going over on her. It makes it extra worrying in Missi's case if there isn't an apparent trigger.

Forgot to say - thought of the 3.5 tonne as cheaper to get through MOTs, etc., and far cheaper to run in terms of fuel. Also takes up far less space and can be parked in more places.

It would depend which Missi it was lol! When I was out and about doing stuff with her I wouldn't have considered getting something else as she did everything I wanted!

I did used to have fun with her, enjoy her, want to ride her etc but everything about the circumstances (working hours, income, facilities) was different then.

You're caught between a rock and a hard stone if you feel like that - I.e. should Charlie be unable to do what you want.
however, by your own admission, nerves are an issue. I get that, mine are too. None of our horses have ever reared though. But, if she has only gone up when there is an issue, I would have dealt with it when I was younger. I did deal with a rearer and in fact his biggest issue was that he hated the yard his owners were on, a big commercial one. Came to me and - it was a long story rather than an over night transformation- he was much more suited to a quiet yard and one to one attention. I would not deal with it now with fragile confidence,and would move the horse on.
So, if this Also goes back to Missi being better on a bigger yard and especially in more work, A sharer may indeed help. There will be the right one out there, and I doubt your home set up would put them off, but you may have a long search and wait to get the right one. Having facilities may speed it up, it may not.
maybe a loan would be best suited, as you could end it should your circumstances change?
However, whatever you feel, if you sold her, it is such a buyers market that you would undoubtedly find something else that gives you confidence and you enjoy. Although, they are mostly not cheap.
Horses are definitely meant to be fun for leisure riders and you really aren't sounding like that's currently so.
Just one other thought, could you find time and Money for some lessons to help both of you, and find the bond you once had? That may be decisive if you find it, or more so if not.....

I'm not good at this kind of thing. So won't offer advice.

But I didn't want to read and run. I hope you can find the right answer for you

She sounds like the last horse that H had and sadly lost - in her minds eye he was perfect, moved beautifully, well schooled, like competing, was advancing her riding - problem was that she has a very busy job, can only ride3 times a week sometimes and only for about 30 mins max, having retired merls finances a bit stretched so couldn't afford much extra for him. He wouldn't hack with her, he was stressy, threw his toys out the pram, needed probably 45mins-1hr intense schooling 5/6 times a week. She couldn't do that, it was stressing her out a bit I think, sadly any decision was taken away when he coliced and she lost him, but new pony Alfie is more like Merls/Charlie - can be picked up/put down/does a bit of everything, is forward enough and has enough personality not to be dull - may never make GP/novice eventing but she can drag him out after 2 weeks off and do whatever (might be a few squuee moments), I can see she is much happier, more relaxed getting on better.

Red won't showjump (defo not indoors), I was advised to either loan him out or sell him or not jump. He is still mine because he'll happily do other things for me - when he refused to leave the yard coming back into work and I sat for an hour and a half one day not really moving, kicking him/shouting/coaxing/on facebook waiting it out - I sat on his back and cried because I knew that if he wouldn't even hack there was no chance I could keep him. Thank feck the little swine moved off the yard!!!!

All I'm saying is that if you can find some help in whatever form and it doesn't work don't be frightened to sell and get another that suits you and your life more. They are hard work and expensive and we should enjoy it and not have a feeling of dread or can't be bothered (yeah I know winter is an exception for that!). I would find it hard being on my own on my own yard at the tough times, which is why a friend/sharer might be a starting point or like others above have said move yards for a bit and give her and you a shot, if it doesn't work you have a field to chuck her into while you ponder or sell/loan?

Don't beat yourself up about being negative, not that negative just maybe more realistic and thats hard when its an emotional decision about another animal xx

I agree with pretty much everything everyone has said so far.

I do think a sharer will help you out immensely in the short term - she will get more work, which she needs. Maybe this will need a change of living arrangements for her to facilitate this, I don't know.... maybe find a sharer and fully explain the situation, maybe stating that if things go well you would maybe move her to a place with more opportunity and facilities in the future, which will mean more consistent work for Missi and the sharer, making it easier for you to hop on and have fun.
I know you're worried or pessimistic about the chances of finding the perfect sharer, but you never know when that person will pop up.

From what I see in your post, you need a break, and some help, and when this decision is made, you'll have more time and brain space to make a decision about your job......