This is going to be long so I'd grab a cuppa before you start!

I am in a bit of a pickle trying to decide what to do but I just keep going around in circles and not getting anywhere with it!


Most of you will know that Missi isn't the easiest horse in the world BUT when I was out and about doing lots with her we had a great time and on the whole she was really very good. Slightly quirky maybe but nothing that really caused any problems. She was everything I wanted from a horse!

Now, since moving her back home almost two years ago things have not been going so well. The first Summer she was at home we didn't do much as she lost a lot of muscle (through just hacking) and ended up having weeks of rehab type work to build her up. I got her going again but before long Winter arrived and it quickly became clear that I just couldn't manage her through Winter (I had more hours at work so much less time during the day to work her!). I ended up giving her the Winter off and I must admit that during this time I did consider selling her as I had had my confidence knocked a bit and I just couldn't imagine bringing her back into work after so long off.

Anyway, on the whole I needn't have worried. We had a few hair raising rides but on the whole she came back into work fairly easily and I began the task of building her back up fitness wise. I definitely started to enjoy riding her a little bit more and although we were only hacking still things were a bit easier with the lighter evenings etc and all thoughts of selling had evaporated. While she was never particularly forward going she wasn't hugely nappy and we manage most rides OK. I was feeling quite confident for the Winter ahead and made plans to hire a school once a week to help me keep her working and to give her a change of scenery. I even entered us into a dressage comp for the first time in over a year just to get us back out there again!

The change in season soon started making life more difficult though and even though she didn't do a huge amount wrong my confidence started to disappear again. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't scare to get on her or anything but I certainly got no enjoyment from riding her and backed off at times when I really needed to give her a good boot! I rode because I had to and not because I wanted too. We did make a couple of visits to the school, the first being pretty good but the second being a disaster. She didn't REALLY do anything wrong but there was just no forwardness from her at all and I was nearly sick from the effort I had to put in. Trot was ridiculously hard work and canter was near on impossible. I withdrew from the dressage after that and was at a complete loss as to what to do.

I spoke to the yard owners of the school place at length about her and did mention selling her again. Everything had become such an effort that I just got no enjoyment from it anymore. We arranged for one of them to ride her the following week which was a really interesting session. She was quite stuffy initially but once the rider got after her a bit she started going forward more and once the poles/jumps came out she was in her element and absolutely loving it! What shocked me the most though was how weak she looked behind as soon as the rider had got on. I hadn't noticed it on the ground but seeing someone else on her I could really see how much muscle she had lost.

There Verdict was that I need to be a bit tougher with her and that generally she was a nice talented horse. They gave her a thorough going over and really couldn't find much fault other than the lack of top line.

I got the chiro/physio back after that and she was quite shocked by how much top line she had lost and a bit concerned by how she was moving. She had treated her the year before through the rehab work and was surprised by the fact that she was much worse now then she was then. After one treatment she was moving much better and chiro very kindly came to watch me lunge her at the school so that she could really assess her movement. She was pleasantly surprised by how well she did move; big powerful strides, no wonkyness and pretty willing. She did think she held back slightly in that she thought there was more in the tank so to speak but over all she was pretty impressed; if not slightly baffled by her lack of top line given that she had spent a Summer hacking! (Something which is supposed to really help!).

Through all of that I was once again thinking about what I was going to do with her. I had decided that the lack of facilities and my increase in hours just did not suit her mentally and clearly physically it did not suit her either! Chiro suggested doing just inhand work to build her back up and take the pressure of me riding wise. During this time I also had the vet out to run some bloods and give her a general going over. I had thought that I would get a full work up done but vet and chiro both felt that it was unnecessary. Bloods came back clear so no issues there.

I have pretty much decided that the problem is keeping her here at home. Every time she has been here things don't go well. The hacking is dull and boring with not many routes to do. Neither of us particularly enjoy it but we do it because we have too. I obviously still have the lorry for now but my wobbly confidence doesn't help with getting out and about and tbh, I don't have the funds to do as much as I used to with her.
I really feel that she needs more then she gets here. She needs variety, jumping, canter work, schooling etc with maybe only one or two hacks a week. That's how I used to keep her and that's what worked. But I just can't do it here.

Anyway, the crux of it is, I don't know what to do. I keep making a decision and then changing it. Making a decision and then being swayed by something else and changing my mind again. I am going round and round in circles and really not getting anywhere! My head says one thing and my heart says another.

I went on holiday planning to put her on sales livery when I got back but I just can't bring myself to do it. In so many ways she is so easy to do and she has bags of talent. I really don't think I will ever have anything as nice as her again but that isn't reason enough to keep her. She is too nice not to do something with but equally I just can't see her future here with me.


In short the problems are -

Lack of time - Will be much easier in Summer plus hours have been reduced again so should have a bit more time
Lack of funds - I really struggle each month financially so moving to another yard or getting out for lessons/comps (regularly) is not going to happen
Lack of confidence - It's very fragile! Will come back quite quickly to a degree BUT does go again at the tiniest little thing!
Lack of facilities - The field isn't suitable for riding and the lanes are boooooring!

The stupid thing is. She has actually not done much wrong at all for a long time. I just find riding her such hard work and I guess I can't quite relax with her like I used to.


I have come up with a few possible solutions (some only in the last 24 hours) -

1. Change jobs - less hours/more pay (possibly nannying again!). I'm not completely against this as things are not great at work but I don't want to rush into anything and really I'm not sure my decision to change jobs should be based on a horse!

2. Try and hire lorry out again - I won't be using it at weekends and it would bring me some money in which would give me more options. (TBH I need to do this anyway as I may as well sell it!)

3. Look for a sharer for her - Not sure why I didn't think of this sooner!! Not sure I'd find anyone suitable but it might help to get her out and about more and even just a small fee might enable me to move her elsewhere.

4. Move her to field with a friend - There is literally nothing there but the hacking is slightly better and another friend has got a school opposite so I might be able to use that a bit. She'd also be living out so may be a bit happier mentally.

5. Move her to a DIY yard with school - Could only do this if finances changed for the better but would probably need a sharer as I wouldn't be able to manage her elsewhere with the other two at home on my own!

6. Admit defeat and sell her to someone who she'll have fun with again!

I guess ultimately if she stays I need to build my confidence, start making things more fun for both of us, add variety and start enjoying it all again.

At the moment I am just tormenting myself over what to do. It has been on my mind for months now and I just can't come up with an answer!

If you made it to the end, well done!! If it made any sense, you did well!

I really am open to ideas and suggestions as maybe I'm missing the obvious and not being realistic/too negative (I've been told I'm too negative about her a lot recently )


PS. Just as a side note. If I do sell her I will not be getting another one.